Post Secret

I am officially addicted to postsecret.com. If you haven't heard of it, it's a website that showcases an ongoing art project created by a guy in Germantown, Maryland. He asked people to send them thier secrets in postcards anonymously and he has put them together into a few books and has put together a few art shows. The things that he recieves are not only incredibly personal, but many are miniture works of art. He posts new secrets on his website every Sunday. But that wasn't enough so I looked it up on youtube and a lot of people have put together short films showing the cards. Is it bad that I enjoy reading about other peoples problems?

getting high....but not how you think

Yesterday I went to school (Harford Community College) to speak to prospective incoming students about how disability services there have helped me. I was asked to do it a little while ago by the head of the DSS department and I was supposed to give my first talk at the open house last week but I was unable to due to complications with side effects from a new medicine we are trying. It made me completely closterphobic and I could not stop moving or think straight. It was basically a panic attack, which is one of my symptoms from the chronic fatigue and with this drug, if you go over your limit when starting it, it makes all your symptoms worse. And oh did it. It was possibly the worst feeling ever. So anyway, I was able t make it this week. This wasn't an open house, but instead a group of kids from Edgewood. I talked about what accomadations I get personally and how much it has helped me to have such a great support system behind me. I'm able to take less credits and still be considered full time to please my parents insurance. But until I actually went and talked to these kids who have all different kinds of needs, I never realized how badly I wanted to help other people. After the presentation, one of the students came up front and tapped my shoulder. I turned around and he reached out to shake my hand. He genuinely thanked me for my time and sharing my story. Then one of the teachers that accompanied them spoke to me after the kids went to get thier free lunch. She was amazed at how the students were obviously attentive when I spoke and how interested they were. They asked dozens of questions. She was so happy. It made me leave the school with a high I haven't felt in years. I was happy. I felt good about myself. I felt like I had helped someone. And it made me want more. So often I feel helpless and much like a burden to those around me when I'm sick. But yesterday, I felt lighter and excited about something. I quickly offered to so it again and I really hope they let me because I woke up today feeling absolutely horrible. I feel so weak and tired and some of the pain has come back. I want to feel that happy high again. I have wanted to cry it out all day but not tears will come. They are worn out. I am going to look into volunteering for the humane society as well since my doctor won't let me work. I just hope that I can find something that makes me feel like that again.

here i am

I have a confession to make. I started this blog once and then for some reason felt this horrible overwhelming feeling of embarrassment. Who wants to hear my sad story? There are so many people in the world that are so much worse off than I am. The problem with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is that it is an invisible disability. So often I feel like I am talking to myself when I try to express what it bothering me. There are days where I can barely get out of bed and don't have the energy to type my name. I don't want to talk to anyone. That's how I've lost most of my old friends. And now, unable to work, again, I feel even more useless than ever. I keeps stepping backwards instead of forward. In my first post (which I deleted) I tried to make myself sound so optimistic and brave and strong. But that isn't how I feel at all. But I don't want sympathy. If anything, I would like to have empathy. I need someone to understand what it is like to take 14 pills a day and have your doctor on speed dial and stay in the seizure monitoring unit to 5 days with wires hooked on your head. I just want to scream. I want someone to see the need for this illness to be fixed. I would love to hear that there is one clear treatment or surgery and its fixed. The mental fog that I feel everyday (which is believed to be a lack of blood flow to the brain in patients with CFS) is so humiliating and frustrating when I can't get a single sentence out clearly outloud. I know what I want to say. But there is a road block. And the fatigue takes over my life. Sometimes I get caught up in looking at other people's Facebook profiles or Myspace pages. There layouts are mostly plastered with Vodka bottle wallpapers and pictures of dancing in clubs and in bars and laughing and goofing off. It makes me angry at these people. I don't think they understand what they have. I can't go do that anymore. I did. I had mhy wild run for a while and then I got sick. most of those people kept partying without me. So here I am. Lost. All I have is trying to live day to day. I can;t think or plan a week ahead without worrying if I'll be sick. I'm trying so so so hard. So for anyone actually reading this, bear with me. I want to help other people, I do. But I need help too. So hear is my plea for help. 2maro is another day. A clean slate. So goodnight.