here i am

I have a confession to make. I started this blog once and then for some reason felt this horrible overwhelming feeling of embarrassment. Who wants to hear my sad story? There are so many people in the world that are so much worse off than I am. The problem with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is that it is an invisible disability. So often I feel like I am talking to myself when I try to express what it bothering me. There are days where I can barely get out of bed and don't have the energy to type my name. I don't want to talk to anyone. That's how I've lost most of my old friends. And now, unable to work, again, I feel even more useless than ever. I keeps stepping backwards instead of forward. In my first post (which I deleted) I tried to make myself sound so optimistic and brave and strong. But that isn't how I feel at all. But I don't want sympathy. If anything, I would like to have empathy. I need someone to understand what it is like to take 14 pills a day and have your doctor on speed dial and stay in the seizure monitoring unit to 5 days with wires hooked on your head. I just want to scream. I want someone to see the need for this illness to be fixed. I would love to hear that there is one clear treatment or surgery and its fixed. The mental fog that I feel everyday (which is believed to be a lack of blood flow to the brain in patients with CFS) is so humiliating and frustrating when I can't get a single sentence out clearly outloud. I know what I want to say. But there is a road block. And the fatigue takes over my life. Sometimes I get caught up in looking at other people's Facebook profiles or Myspace pages. There layouts are mostly plastered with Vodka bottle wallpapers and pictures of dancing in clubs and in bars and laughing and goofing off. It makes me angry at these people. I don't think they understand what they have. I can't go do that anymore. I did. I had mhy wild run for a while and then I got sick. most of those people kept partying without me. So here I am. Lost. All I have is trying to live day to day. I can;t think or plan a week ahead without worrying if I'll be sick. I'm trying so so so hard. So for anyone actually reading this, bear with me. I want to help other people, I do. But I need help too. So hear is my plea for help. 2maro is another day. A clean slate. So goodnight.